About Spanking

Today we received this question from a couple:
"I have a follow up question about spanking. The extra reading was against spanking and made the argument based on spiritual beliefs.
I was raised Catholic as was my mom, cousins, and uncles. We were all spanked.
What is your stance on spanking and can you share some personal experiences with us (of you as a child and as a parent)?
One last thing. If its "wrong" to spank according to the church, why did nuns in school slap kids on the hands with rulers?
Thanks for the extra input!"
Johnny

Gabriel, one of our grandsons

Hello Johnny!
A very good question indeed! Here is what I would say about spanking: I believe it should be avoided at all costs!
It can happen, of course, as an accident, because we are only human! But violence in any form is never a good way to raise kids, or to solve problems. Often, it appears more like a confession that we are not able to handle the situation. It is NOT a parenting method.
If it does happen, as it's bound to, when things cool down, we should always go back to the child and apologize, explaining that we lost our temper, that it is never right to hurt someone, that we are sorry, etc...
As a parent, I did happen to spank my daughters. I always felt miserable afterwards, and apologized each time.

Some people argue that you should spank calmly and never when you are angry. I have NEVER seen this happen. I believe it's what people would like to have happen, but sadly it doesn't work that way.

Spanking can be received by the child as the following message: it is OK to hurt someone when they upset you. Spanking can also push the child to lying and hiding his misbehavior, or blaming others.

A famous and popular French story about spanking

I remember from my childhood that any spanking I received didn't do me any good. It just triggered in me a lot of anger and rebellion. It made me fear my father. I resented him very much, it pushed us apart (and I cannot say that he spanked me a lot!). I never went to him to confide anything, but I would go to my mother, who didn't spank. Spanking never increases love, trust, or respect. On the contrary!

I have a friend who even had nightmares about her father because of the spanking! My friend was so afraid of her father that even later in life, when she was 19 and became pregnant out of wedlock, she didn't have the guts to tell him, and had an abortion (I'm not saying that she didn't have her share of responsibility in this of course).

So yes, spanking can have very serious consequences and I would never recommend it! It usually shuts down an opportunity for dialog. It is not a constructive way of handling a situation.

Samuel, one of our grandsons

As for the nuns slapping children's hands, I have never agreed with that method, and firmly believe that what they did was very wrong. Just because they were nuns, doesn't make what they did right. In those days, many people took the verse "Spare the rod, spoil the child," literally. It was a trend, and was misinterpreted as you saw in the document. 

"The Old Testament does have two references to corporal punishment, which are the mainstay of its proponents' biblical defense. These are Proverbs 23:13 and Sirach 30:1-3. (In some translations, such as the N.A.B., the Sirach verse refers to discipline and education.) Yet, even Proverbs, taken by itself, is questionable, particularly when viewed as the rationale for a parent's disciplinary foundation."


"I say these references are questionable because contextual interpreters of the bible (Catholic scholars - as opposed to literal interpreters) wonder if "rod" is not used metaphorically, as in a shepherd's rod. A shepherd would never beat his sheep - they are too precious and delicate. Also, could a "rod of violence" be used to bring comfort, as in "Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me." God's truths do not contradict each other. A shepherd uses his rod to gently guide his flock - not to strike them. (A note on sheep husbandry: it is known that the fright of sudden noise alone can induce in sheep a shock which suppresses fertility. A sheep's guardian, whose job it is to protect the economic value of his herd, is aware of the sensitivity of his flock's constitution.)"

"Rod" may also be understood as a unit of measure that figuratively refers to the Torah (like our term "scales of justice"). In other words, we can interpret the proverb: "Spare your child the 'rod' (the Torah), and they won't 'measure up.'" Gregory K. Popcak, MSW, LCSW www.exceptionalmarriages.com

Now I know advocates of spanking whose children have grown into great adults, too. It is just that for me, it is not a parenting method, just an accident that should be avoided.

I hope this answered all of your questions! Thank you for your interest in this issue! It is a very important one!

Christine